As I was crying over writing eight essays (for my attempts to go abroad), I decided to go for a five minute break where I ended up watching hours of baby videos/cat reels/karate moves, and I had an epiphany. I realized I am a master procrastinator and decided that this must stop, this is it. I am going to write … an article instead of my pending essays. This article is a work of fiction. Or, is it?
If you’ve ever felt like you are not lazy but you just suck at managing time, then fear not my friend, this article is for you. Remember, “apes together strong.” If you feel you aren’t that, still it is for you, as it will help you to understand us -- your loved ones.
Let me break the stereotype first. It’s not just a bad habit; it’s a lifestyle, a philosophy, an entire way of being. Procrastination isn’t about slacking off -- it’s about perfecting the art of not doing the thing you're supposed to do, with flair (until the last moment, then you cry).
Ever played Mortal Kombat? Remember Goro? Back in my childhood, it was undefeatable with so many hands. Procrastination is like this. It comes with many punches.
“What do we say to the God of Death? Not today” -- Game of Thrones. Us procrastinators follow this as well. Like Randy Orton, we also hear voices in our head, which tell us “Let’s do it tomorrow.” Tomorrow, not today. We love tomorrow -- it is always a day away.
Tomorrow is the golden ticket, the mythical land where we suddenly have boundless energy and focus, where deadlines are no longer terrifying monsters lurking in the shadows, but gentle reminders of our ability to do everything in the nick of time. This is where the lie begins, and just like a naïve nibba/nibbi wanting to fix their toxic partner with love, we’re all too willing to believe it.
But this is the beginning. Real magic happens when we become Stanley Kubrick or Amir Khan, the utmost perfectionist. We convince ourselves that we are simply … “organizing” our thoughts. “I need to plan my day before I can start!” we tell ourselves, setting a timer for 10 minutes of sorting through our digital files, setting priorities, making to-do lists. It’s like an intricate ritual where we think, "Once I get the list sorted, I'll be ready to dive into my work."
Yet, that list grows longer and longer while the time available for the task shrinks. Why start at 8:50 when you can start perfectly at nine instead? If it is 9:01, then we must wait till 10:00 and so on.
Tomorrow is the golden ticket, the mythical land where we suddenly have boundless energy and focus, where deadlines are no longer terrifying monsters lurking in the shadows
After passing hours instead of minutes, the real task is not even the one you were supposed to do -- it’s figuring out how you can justify how much time you’ve just wasted without anyone noticing. But we are a crafty bunch of Bob the Builders. Can we fix it? Yes we can!
The real productivity kicks in when we enter the frenzy of attaining nirvana, where you realize that your entire living environment requires immediate, urgent attention. It’s an existential crisis waiting to happen. While everyone else works diligently, you are on a mission to ensure that your living space looks pristine -- and your to-do list continues to sit untouched. But this is still technically productive, right?
You think Eminem wrote his famous 8-mile verse just like that? Nah bro, ‘twas for us! Because that is what us procrastinators feel just moments before the deadline -- sweaty palms, weak knees, vomit-level anxiety, and a stressed out memory. This is when you come to the soul-crushing realization that you’ve spent so much time avoiding your responsibilities that you have precisely 30 minutes to finish a three-day project.
What do you do? Discouraged? Oh no, not us, the procrastinators. You dive headfirst into the task like a caffeine-fueled superhero. You type at lightning speed. You tell yourself you can do this, but deep down, you know it’s a mess. What you’re doing is barely passable, but it’s fine. You’re making progress. Maybe it won’t be perfect, but it will be … done? Hopefully?
Once the project is “finished,” it’s time for sweet self-reflection, where you marvel at the thing you’ve just created. Maybe it’s a spreadsheet with 75% of the information correct, or a report filled with grammatical errors that only a mother could love. You tell yourself, “I work best under pressure,” as though that somehow justifies the unholy mess that is now your “work.”
The cycle, of course, doesn’t end here. The next task is right around the corner, lurking in the background, waiting for you to again embrace the glorious art of avoidance. But not today. No, today we bask in our newfound skill. We’ve truly reached the peak of human achievement, haven’t we?
PS: I finished my eight essays.
Galib Nakib Rahman is an engineer-turned-finance-expert-ESG-enthusiast trying to drink gulps from the stimulating ocean of economics/ESG and move to greener pastures of development sector to shift from his regular boring job in the capital market. Tell him how he can do that at [email protected]
