Do you know when the true sense of loneliness hits? It’s when the solitary act of applying ointment to a cut on your forehead weighs you down heavily, your hands replacing the care you long for. It’s the hollow echo of a notification that never comes; the text that asks, “Did you get home safe?” left unsent by anyone.
Loneliness tends to slide in when your own hands must dilute your pain, cleaning the blood and dressing the wound, all by your own self. In these quiet moments, the weight of the world’s indifference presses down and you realize, true loneliness isn’t the absence of others, it’s the absence of being held when you need it the most. However, as Haruki Murakami once said “Such wounds to the heart will probably never heal. But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.” It’s better to move forward and get past certain things.
To have such a grave realization, at such a young age, was neither the intention nor the expectation of Amelia. One day as she sat home in her pajamas watching tv with a bowl of popcorn in her hands, sitting at the crossroads of life, it reminded her of what had led her to this prolonged period of solitude in the first place. It was one of those moments when you just tend to zone out amidst watching a perfectly good show.
Growing up Amelia’s life did not scream out happiness and joy unlike the other children, she had to deal with her own problems from a very young age. Her parents were present in her life however not present enough to narrow down the gap between her and the other children of her age. Busy lives of her parents’ got in the way and Amelia was raised in one way or the other, alone. While it made certain things difficult for her, she also learned to be independent and live on her own until the day she felt like her life started depending on someone.
Loneliness isn’t the absence of others, it’s the absence of being held when you need it the most
Living alone is habitual to some extent, while it sometimes helps us find peace within ourselves, separating us from the crowded world, it also leaves us with our thoughts alone which might suffocate us. Throughout the years of school and university Amelia never felt the need to have a friend. Even though her personality often got her enough attention from a lot of friends, she kept to her own close circle as you might already realize she likes to keep herself closed up much like a closed economy which does not import or export. The tables turned when Amelia got her new job right after graduating university at a very reputable financial company , unaware of what was about to happen.
Amelia’s first day at work began with a mix of nerves and excitement. Her supervisor led her to meet the head of her department, the person who would oversee her and the other new recruits. As she approached, her pulse quickened -- but nothing could have prepared her for what happened next.
When her boss turned to face her, Amelia’s world seemed to tilt on its axis. His presence was magnetic, his face so dreamy it felt as though the ground beneath her had vanished. And then, with a pair of dreamy eyes that seemed to hold the entire universe, he spoke in a voice that made her heart skip a beat. “Hello, Amelia, nice to meet you.”
Amelia had never had this weird sense of awe. Just him calling her by her name made her feel a strange sense of happiness, and in that moment, she knew this was a beginning she would never forget.
To be continued …
Arita Haque is a student at Oxford International School, Dhaka.
