To start things off, let’s look at the following real-life anecdotes.
Anecdote one: Tomorrow is my Mother’s wedding
Smita was a student of English literature at a private university in Dhaka. She had missed quite a few classes in the last two weeks of the semester and had met the student advisor of the department.
Advisor: “What happened to you, dear? All the teachers are saying that you have suddenly become irregular -- is everything okay?”
Smita: “Ma’m, I was a bit hesitant to share with all my teachers. But maybe I can share with you now as the ceremony is over. Actually, my mother married my father at a very young age. After my little brother’s birth, he had an affair with another woman and divorced my mom. As I'm about to complete my undergraduate studies and my brother will enter university himself, still now many men disturb my mom and want to marry her. Sometimes it is very tough to tackle these problems all by herself, and also my father comes to visit and behaves rudely to her. So, I decided to marry my mom off to a kind-hearted person who will accept us as his own children and take care of my mom when we are not there with her.”
Advisor: “Smita, I am impressed! You are such a good soul and a considerate daughter who thought about your mom’s well-being ahead of time. So have you adjusted to the situation of having a new father at home?”
Smita: “We are trying ma’m, and he is five years younger to my mom. He likes us a lot and we are also trying to accept him as a family member. It is hard to call him ‘Baba’ at this moment, but soon we will, I guess.
Advisor: “All the best.”
Later the conversation rolled on to the issues of semester final examination and classes she had missed.
Societal norms expect an elderly person to be the epitome of etiquette and not have any other romantic attachments after his or her partner has passed away
Anecdote two: Let’s take a walk in the park
Riaz was a retired supreme court lawyer who had lost his wife to Covid-19 pandemic. The first three years, he was in great grief. But in the fourth year, Riaz realized that he had to socialize more if he wished to do something about his depression. The first step for him was to go on a routine morning walk in the local park and talk to his friends and neighbours of the housing society he lived in. As a year passed, he had made new friends both young and old, male and female. Everyone loved him as he was a great storyteller and one of the knowledgeable lawyers in the housing society.
At the park, he met Rokeya, a young mother who came to the park after dropping her child at the nearby school. She hid her face in her niqab, but she was a sweet talker who spoke about simple things around us. Riaz glimpsed his late wife’s simplicity in this lady, and he flirted with her with words such as “so what your husband is abroad, I am here to talk to you every day;” “oh this colour of burka suits you indeed!” The community people noticed that this simple walk in the park had turned into a long conversation of an hour on a bench where the lady was mesmerized by the eloquent Bengali. As two months of their friendship went by, the lady began to come to the park very early in the morning and waited eagerly for him. She became so possessive to have his time that she prevented him from talking to anyone else and tried to grab all his attention. Even when Riaz wanted to go home, she would walk him to his place just to say bye.
To his dismay, Riaz learned from a few local people of the community that the lady had a history of doing the same things with other men in the park and that everyone avoided her. But it was too late to avoid her as she was head over heels for him, perhaps having her husband abroad was the main reason for looking for a companion. Riaz had stopped coming to the park for two weeks and then changed his walking time to night to avoid the situation. But deep inside, a lonely Riaz was missing the conversations with Rokeya.
Anecdote three: A death and viagra
Five months have gone since Preeti’s father passed away -- he was only 73 years old and was actively serving as an educational consultant for the World Bank before his sudden demise. Preeti was looking forward to decluttering his room and was rummaging through papers and documents that he had. Suddenly, a small file of tablets was found in his briefcase that he always carried to the office. The file was wrapped with a used air ticket from Dhaka to Cox’s bazar and tucked deep in the pocket of the upper flap of the briefcase. Preeti read the name of the medicine which was “Suhagra,” that had the generic name of sildenafil citrate that helps men with their sexual wellbeing.
Preeti could very well understand that her widower father had another woman in his life and as he was a bachelor for the second time, he wanted to have an intimate time with her beloved. As a daughter, she felt a bit disappointed at first, but again she could realize how lonely her father must have been. While his children were busy with their own lives and families, he must have felt the need of being with someone special with whom he could communicate openly.
It is time that we started thinking about the elderly in a way that takes their mental wellbeing into consideration
If we look at the three different anecdotes above, societal norms expect an elderly person to be the epitome of etiquette and not have any other romantic attachments after his or her partner has passed away. Have we ever thought about the mental health of these old people? When we go to amusement parks and eateries, we will see young families and friends enjoying a good time. But have we ever thought about our older members of the family? They often join us on these occasions and feel awkward.
Maybe we have to rethink how we can make their last years in this world more beautiful by accepting the fact that they need a companion or a friendship that they are comfortable with. Even if they would not like to marry someone at this age, maybe talking to a companion should not be criticized as bad conduct. It is sometimes a daughter’s (or a son’s) call to talk about a new relationship with their parents and be open to it. Let’s look at not only senior citizens’ physical health but also mental well-being and be grateful for the wisdom they have bestowed upon our generation in previous years.
It is time that we started thinking about the elderly in a way that takes their mental wellbeing into consideration, and not just place them on some kind of ill-conceived pedestal that robs them of any desire or agency in how they wish to spend their twilight years. Bangladesh needs institutions such as recreational centres where the elderly can gather and socialize and forge new relationships beyond their families and their children. We all want connection, as do our aged parents and grandparents.
Sabreena Ahmed is an Associate Professor at the Dept of English and Humanities, Brac University. She can be reached at [email protected].
