“He got 95 in his exam. She got 96. Why’d you only get 85?” Sometimes children fall short of meeting their parents’ expectations, and there’s usually more to it than the simple assumption that the child doesn’t try hard enough or is not smart enough to compete with their peers.
One of the key reasons is miscommunication between the two generations. Lack of communication between children and their parents can have an everlasting impact on a child’s life. It may even put a strain on the parent-child relationship, without anyone even realizing it.
In this competitive, modern world, children may often feel overwhelmed. They may have problems with their friends, relationships, and mental health (the importance of which is often overlooked), which may affect their studies and even their behaviour with friends and family. These extremely personal issues cannot always be communicated to parents, and that may lead to further problems.
There are children whose parents are their best friends and they feel comfortable sharing their problems with them, but there are also children who unfortunately don’t have such a close relationship with their parents and therefore they can’t discuss their problems.
Studies aren’t the only area in which parents hold high expectations of their children. Apart from the basics, such as having good manners and being respectful to others (something which should be expected from all people), parents expect their children to follow family values and ideals. This includes the sort of lifestyle children are usually expected to lead, the social circles they are to be a part of, their ethical and moral values, etc. Sometimes these expectations help instill the differences between what is right and what is wrong in the mind of somebody who is growing up in this harsh reality. Other times these ideals may be rendered pointless.
No talking back: Denying the child’s perspective
Parents may have different views from their children in terms of all the aspects mentioned above. They see it as their duty to preserve their ideals through their children and pass them on, to ensure that their children grow up to become decent -- for some, “successful” -- human beings. At the same time, they should also respect their children’s opinions on these matters, and if there is a difference between the two parties, it should be talked out and explained rationally, rather than the ideas being forced upon children.
This is something particularly important because although many of us (children) might stay quiet and not fight back against our parents, seeing them be prejudiced against our opinions and thoughts is something that just hampers our relationship with our guardians. Some parents go as far as to label anything the child says as a form of challenging their authority and dismiss their opinions as defiance and misbehaviour. These kinds of interactions make children not want to speak openly to their parents, and in the long run, this creates a rift between the two parties.
Although parents do feel that they know what is best for their children and want to protect what they hold most precious in the world, sometimes it’s better to let kids figure things out on our own. If that involves getting hurt, then so be it. Perhaps Miles Morales said it best in Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse; “I say, you gotta let him spread his wings, man.”
We may miss out on having amazing friends and life-changing adventures when parents sometimes enforce some of their ideals on us. As time goes on, technology and infrastructure aren’t the only things that advance; societal norms and views have drastically changed. A child brought up in today’s world cannot be brought up in the same way as a child brought up in the 1980s or 90s.
With love and experience
Just as parents need to understand their child’s perspective, children also need to know where their parents are coming from. Our parents have many more experiences having lived in this world for much longer. Although the world we’re growing up in is different from the one they grew up in, their experiences with various people and things make them wise in some regards.
Although it’s tough to swallow our ego, sometimes we should try and accept what our parents convey to us, because they speak from a place of love and experience. There must be compromise and understanding on both sides. We as “young adults” have to understand that whether we like it or not, sometimes what our parents tell us to do could be the best option.
The main problem that arises from this is not parents and children fighting over the differences in their ideals. It’s something that brings us back to square one: Lack of communication. The only way to resolve the differences between parents and children, whether it is in terms of expectations for studies, ideals, values, etc, is to talk it all through.
Communication doesn’t only mean talking and giving an hour-long lecture. It also involves giving time to children, spending quality family time, and teaching them through actions. No matter how busy parents are, they should find time to give to their family, so their kids know the value of family and learn to take in their parents’ words and advice with a more open mind. Kids should also be respectful of what their parents say and they should also make an effort to create a strong bond with their parents where they can openly discuss their ideals and thoughts and resolve their differences.
Communication is key.
Maheem Niam Ahmed is a student at Sunbeams School.
