Several surveys on acid attacks have shown that the victims, mostly women in their teens, became targets when they turned down a romantic offer or rejected a marriage proposal.
Many acid attack survivors have said that despite politely turning down advances and offers for romance, they were pestered and the rejected men committed extreme acts of violence against them.
And now we have another young girl, Saoda, a student of Barisal University, who has died as a result of indiscriminate hacking by her alleged lover known as Rasel. It has been reported the man, a student of management at the same university, had a romantic relationship with the girl but turned furious when she wanted to end their liaison.
Any affair of the heart is complex and since we do not know all the dimensions of the said relationship, it would be improvident to make speculative claims; but this much we can say that whatever the nature of the relationship, the man had no right whatsoever to turn violent and kill the girl.
Of course, it’s always easy to make such rational comments when not experiencing the tumult of human emotions oneself. But romance is never a lukewarm episode of life and is experienced by all so how can such violent outbursts be stopped?
Only when we have a proper social system of understanding as well as addressing the nuances of male-female relationships, can we manage to deal with the violent outbursts .
What Rasel did is a manifestation of a male dominated society, where many are raised with an ingrained belief is that a woman must always submit to a man’s wishes. This is exactly why many women who work and earn a living are given covert hints that once they are in a marriage, they need to compromise some of their own wishes, and often have to curb their professional ambitions.
While Bangladesh has made sensational strides in gender emancipation since liberation, the fact that a large number of women are allowed to work does not automatically translate into gender equality. In fact, this view is a deception because a lot of women who work equally hard as their counterparts often have less of a say in domestic matters.
Equal rights can only come when the social mindset begins to change, so that for instance the in laws of a married woman realise the importance of standing up for the rights of the wife. Such a situation is still hard to find, so there is a cruel irony that it is often women who impede other women.
In the Barisal case where a girl called Saoda was hacked, we are faced once more with a parochial patriarchal attitude which prevents some men from accepting a refusal. Many men have not learned to accept or understand that when a partner ends a relationship, they have to accept the facts, irrespective of any heartache it may have caused.
Taking “no” for an answer and living with it is what the real world is all about. No doubt it’s hard, but if friends and family cannot help one to cope with such difficult situations, modern day society offers many other sources of advice and counselling.
Bangladesh has been on the globalisation roller coaster for some time now and perhaps in the frenzy of the race to grow, dark sides of a consumer driven existence have been overlooked. Consequently, many social changes have been cosmetic while social demons continue to fester.
All too often, a man’s ego simply cannot absorb independent decisions by women. In cases such as those mentioned above, women get attacked as a man is driven by the mad belief “if I don’t get you, no one will.”
Psychologists may confirm that at the time of rage, years of mollycoddling by society that a man is entitled to get what he wants, fuel such savage actions. If we are to be honest then this will not be the last time a man attacks his romantic interest for ending a relationship or for any other transgressions.
While the death of Saoda sparked protests, the reactions only scratch the surface of society, failing to rectify the inner layers of vicious prejudices.
Unless men are taught at the family level that a girl has the right to say no to his romantic advances, the most basic aim and principle of women’s empowerment is compromised.
Admitting that women today enjoy a lot of liberty, it must be noted that her desires, especially at the personal level, are still governed by traditional beliefs. Bluntly put, efforts for equality are often insufficient in the face of cultural attitudes.
Society has to teach men that a true man is that person who can take “no” for an answer and allow a lady to have her own way. This society needs a injection of such good old fashioned chivalry!
