Romance and relationships completely dominate the media. Music, books, TV shows, and films (including plenty from Desi creators) certainly don't shy away from engaging with the topic of sex appeal in our increasingly Westernized global culture. If you're a part of today's younger generation, you'll likely understand how conflicting it can be to be a part of a society like this when you were taught completely opposing principles at home. This is especially true if you're a Muslim.
When we were young children, my Amma was able to explain to me and my older brother that dating -- in the modern, Western sense -- was a no-go. The reasoning was simply that Allah wanted better for us. This set the standard in a myriad of “adult” topics at home; if there was ever a film on the TV with a sex scene -- or even a prolonged kissing scene, for that matter -- I wouldn't think twice before skipping it. If I'd sing lyrics to a song about relationships, my Amma would chime in by saying, “Remember, we don't do that.”
It can be conflicting and troubling for the youth of Bangladesh and its diaspora to be growing up in our time of increasing globalization that has resulted in relationships and sexual appeal being presented as fashionable and encouraged. Just reference any music video from any popular rapper or singer that's come out in the past few years. On the inside, I've always known where I've stood on the matter. But the jarring way that our cultural conversation has been changing has often resulted in me feeling like an outsider because of it.
It doesn't help that many people, even some Muslims, have dangerous misconceptions about why Islam discourages early dating and sex. The Islamic approach to relationships has been shrouded, for generations, in a patriarchal cloud that could not differ farther from the truth. After all, was it not the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) himself who said, even before Western philosophers such as Thomas Aquinas and John Locke, that all humans are entitled to innate rights and that men and women specifically are each entitled to equal rights over one another?
It's partly from this that I've learned something irrevocably crucial in the past four years of being a teenager: It is essential for one to think for themself. I've been even further emboldened by the fact that the Quran reiterates this sentiment quite thoroughly.
According to Dr Yoginder Sikand's thought-provoking work, Bastions of the Believers, out of over 6,000 verses in the Quran, “the obligation to offer prayers is mentioned in about 200, while the verses exhorting the believers to ponder on the mysteries of nature, to reflect on God's creation, and to use their reason are more than three times that number.”
Contrary to what we unfortunately may hear from our elders at times, a significant part of being a Muslim includes using logical reasoning and questioning to conclude why or how things are the way they are. I've asked myself that, were I not a Muslim, would I perhaps alter my stance on dating? And when I resolve to think reasonably and ask myself what truly makes sense, I truly don't believe so.
I don't feel that my heart, one only just opening up to what it might mean to love someone, is something that I can allow to be flailed about in the chaos-scape that is high school dating in 2023. I've seen my friends, one after another, starting relationships or “situationships” that end in flames.
In growing up with this mindset that rejects modern displays of relationships as predominantly physical and external, I've developed the idea that the relationship that one can form with a significant other -- through becoming intimate with their mind and heart first -- is the only one worth pursuing. This is a conclusion that we often see people come to as full-grown adults, after years of unfortunate romantic experiences; I consider myself lucky, as a Muslim, to have already arrived at it.
Today's globalization of the youth is predominantly achieved through the internet. One of my favourite movements on the internet is the now inter-cultural “My Body, My Choice” mantra. Each time I hear it, I can't help but feel further encouraged in my perspectives on dating.
Because that's exactly right, isn't it?
The same message my mother told me as a young child, the same message that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) taught us, and the same conclusion that I came to by using logic and reason, is now to be found on poster signs and as hashtags around the world. It's my body. My mind. My heart. And therefore my choice to not date as a teenager.
As I continue to encounter all these conflicting messages in my day-to-day life, not just in the media but also amongst my peers, I choose to allow them to act as reminders of what I have decided for myself. I hope to continue to find that peace within myself, knowing that how (and if) I choose to interact with people I'm interested in in a romantic setting, now and in the future, is no one's business but mine.
Deya Nurani is a freelance contributor.
