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বাংলা
Dhaka Tribune

From Russia with love

Update : 07 Feb 2016, 06:46 PM

And to the Bangla nation, the Almighty/Almighties/Gaia gave infinite rivers, streams, and wetlands, so the Bangali could feast on fish; thus, the Bangali is not elevated above other races by his ability to reason, but by his ability to eat fish.

I, too, share Nasrat C’s fear that in the aftermath of Bangladesh’s nuclear program: Instead of the Bangalis being famous for eating fish, the fish will be famous for eating Bangalis.

Fukushima was, of course, a result of the general incompetence of the Japanese. Only the Good Lord knows how they got a reputation for building cars and technology known for reliability and efficiency. How could they not protect it from an Act of God? Or even Godzilla?

Chernobyl was entirely because of the Ukrainians. I mean, they can’t even keep hold of Crimea, how can they reasonably be expected to keep a nuclear power plant going? It’s a miracle that they ran it as long as they did.

Since we are officially told we have no ISIS in Bangladesh, there are absolutely no worries about terrorist attacks or them obtaining radioactive materials for whatever nefarious purpose.

Recently, the great Moghbazaar-Mouchak Flyover Fiasco came to light (designed for left-hand drive traffic, in a land of right-hand drive cars). Apparently, the concerned officials didn’t notice because they are so used to driving down the wrong side of the road. In now what has become time honoured tradition, the people are resigned to officials not resigning. Can we please see the plans for the Padma Bridge. Pretty please? Just to make sure it doesn’t go underwater or something. We don’t want to be asking: “Padma bridge: the bridge over the river koi?”

I mean, as a friend asked: “Russians building nuclear plants, what could possibly go wrong?”

Unfortunately, since this project was first mooted, we seem not to have grown either our capacity or our expertise to manage such an endeavour. In fact, the only thing to have grown seems to be the project’s price tag. Is this the world’s first nuclear power station fuelled entirely by con-fusion? In case of future disaster, will we look back to this moment and remember that when we asked for kickback, it was for Roubles, not rubbles, nor troubles?

Having been dubbed a plutocracy, our government assumes this of course means that Bangladesh has sovereign rights over that former planet Pluto, by dieu et mon droit. The pièce de résistance of this underhand underworld shady Hades dealing is that the nuclear program will, of course, need plutonium and where better to source it from, but the planet?

Furthermore, we are currently buoyed by the greenlighting of Bangladesh’s space program, the launch of a communications satellite. Seen as a space age expression of Bangali nationalism, from the mud of the delta terra firma. Yeah, baby, we’re going supernova, interstellar, we are taking it to the stars!

With a nod to Frankie Boyle, however, critics say that for a mere $92 million, we could have painted “Joy Bangla” on the moon instead. For even more nationalistic fervour and a fistful of a few million dollars more, we could further add something to annoy Pakistan and India. There would still have been enough funds left over to ensure the home delivery of two Mars, one Milky Way, and one Galaxy chocolate bar to every single citizen of Bangla land.

Following similar reasoning that industries should be based on the availability of raw material, plans are currently hot foot afoot to setup the world’s biggest sandwich factory in Cox’s Bazaar.

The elephant in the room is of course our mammoth need for electricity. Tusk, tusk, tusk. Seeing the current reality of Nepal’s state of affairs, we really need to be off of Indian power dependence. What better way than to irradiate the populace? There would be no need for electricity at night or fear of load shedding ever again: For we shall all glow in the dark.

Then there would be the rise of the Bangladeshi mutant superheroes, with X-Men-like powers such as spitting paan at supersonic speed, knowing everyone else’s business before even they know about it, being able to sense and home in on any kachchi biriyani within a three-mile radius. Like Asterix the Gaul, Bangalix the BenGaul shall have his magic potion: That isotopic isotonic elixir, known as “my mighty tea.”

Recently there was the news that, with the addition of four new elements, the seventh period of the periodic table is now complete. Thus leaving no space for Bangladeshium. As usual, we are late to the party: Independence, trade liberalisation, roads, bridges and infrastructure investment, democracy, and our refusal to invest the required amount into education and health, the key things to not a half-life but to a full life, maximising our current demographic jackpot.

My riddle and jokes spar, 12-year-old Rayaan B, professed knowledge of the nuclear family: “A family in which the mother explodes.” Jokes aside, Bangladesh in the future will be able to buck the trend of the degradation of the family unit that inevitably goes hand in hand with industrialisation, development, and affluence. Instead, we all stand to be nuclear families, literally.

Finally, completing the full orbit and circling back to the subject of Bangalis and fish, I foresee proudly taking its place amongst our national cuisine, fission chips. 

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