In his famous book Chacha Kahini(1952), renowned author Syed Mujtoba Ali mentioned that “In Europe, cold-blooded murders happen whereas, in the Indian subcontinent, cold-blooded marriages are arranged. Both of these are well-thought, planned, and premeditated.”
When I first read the quote, I found that hilarious but awkward. Then being an “adult woman,” I got an opportunity to observe the whole scenario of arranged marriage prevalent among the middle class of Bangladesh. Now I agree with Sayed Mujtoba Ali on arranged marriage in this Indian subcontinent.
The process begins with creating a biodata containing some basic information (such as height, weight, educational qualifications, and useful details of some close relatives). Often the “candidate” doesn't have any idea of it.
The family and the close kins have the sacred responsibility/ duty to search for their suitor/bride. At first, they shortlist some biodatas in terms of the information available on these. Then the relatives visit each other's house.
Some modern people tend to arrange the meeting at restaurants but these types of meetings are strange in nature. You know that the central attraction of this meeting is you. Still, your only job is to observe. And if you are a Bangladeshi woman, the situation will be much more complex.
Your appearance, alongside your actions and reactions, is going to be judged. In some cases, you are fortunate enough to get an opportunity to talk with your suitor. However, you are expected to talk whatever you are instructed to tell.
Otherwise, you would be considered opinionated, disobedient, and rude -- and your education would be held solely responsible for that. And it would be obviously thought that you are committed to someone else.
After the strange consecutive meetings, the relatives mostly decide the suitable ones in terms of physical appearance, economic security, and educational qualifications. Let alone females, even males of Bangladesh, don't have sufficient autonomy in their decision-making, though they usually enjoy some agency in this regard.
The whole scenario can make anyone remember the arguments of Claude Meilllassoux. In his book Maidens, Meal and Money(1975), Meillassoux argued how kinship influenced the means of reproduction of African societies which eventually controlled the societal structure. Like African societies, kinship plays an important role in the Indian subcontinent and it has to be acknowledged that it has wider positive impacts on the society.
However, are the parameters on which the suitable candidates are chosen sufficient enough to search for a compatible life partner? Or, do these factors merely objectify both males and females?
Frankly speaking, conventional arranged marriages have become a practical contract in which males are considered sole providers of the family whereas females are largely held responsible for taking care of family members.
And an undeniable question arises in this regard: Where are the women situated in this traditional structure of marriage?
It would be overgeneralization to assume that only women are getting exploited in marriage. Beyond the romanticized concepts of true love, soulmates, and similar others, everyday power dynamics play a vital role in it. Still, women are more vulnerable than their counterparts in a patriarchal country like Bangladesh.
Women have to leave their own houses and adjust to a completely new environment. They have to constantly prove their worth as ideal wives, daughters-in-law, and mothers. As patriarchy sets some unrealistic high expectations on them, they have to struggle for a lifetime to achieve these.
Though we are living in the age of women empowerment, they are expected to fulfil their traditional role before doing anything else. Even, in most cases, the sole purpose of a girl's education is a part of producing appropriate life partners for educated, self-sufficient males.
Still, many women fight against all odds to create their identities. On the other hand, almost all women need to utilize their agencies to construct an autonomous space in their households, despite facing difficulties.
A compassionate, sensitive, and caring partner can play a crucial role in this journey. In this regard, I can recall a recent incident.
I am currently working on a project which explores the facilitators, barriers, and requirements of a mobile health implication related to maternal mental health in the low-resource settings of Bangladesh. I often mixed up maternal mental issues with other mental illnesses.
Then my supervisor made me realize the fact that maternal mental health problems have some obvious gender dimension. During and after the period of pregnancy, they must sacrifice a lot to prove themselves to be “good mothers” despite physical complications. If something happens to their baby, they will be accused by everyone. A life partner's support is quite essential for maintaining sound physical and mental health.
Though women in the lower classes of Bangladesh have to struggle against other severe realities rather than gender-based problems, middle-class educated women also share this gender disparity. Besides, every individual must have the opportunity to choose his/her life partner. Thus it is high time to prioritize individual choice rather than materialistic gains in arranged marriages.
Aditi Sharif is an Anthropologist, currently working as a Research Assistant at the University of Liberal Arts Bangladesh (ULAB), Dhaka.
