Bangladesh would like to call itself a progressive nation, trying to embrace the “global” spirit of today’s capitalist world. Especially Dhaka is thought to be one of the fastest growing metropolitans of the world, often representing the entire Bangladesh to the world.
As the reality of Dhaka is distantly different from the rest of the country, one can always question if observations made in and about Dhaka can really be considered the voice of Bangladesh.
A lot of the claims made about the country’s success and possibilities thus become elitist as they speak of or for the privileged class, along with the class that is aspiring to become privileged or consider themselves more privileged than the less privileged.
In common terms, they are the elites, upper-middle class, and middle class people of Dhaka, who get exposed to, or expose Bangladesh to, the world.
However, contrary to this generalisation are the proclamations made my NGOs or other research organisations, which acknowledge the disparity between the reality of Dhaka and other parts of the country. Thus, they tend to base their studies or projects both in and away from Dhaka, to make those more authentic and inclusive.
If we consider the feminist or women’s rights organisations, then they mainly address the women that do not belong to the privileged or middle class; rather, they work with the rural or underprivileged female population, who lack education or sufficient access to the media. But I would like to claim here that because of the support and campaigns of these organisations, these groups of women are more aware and stronger today than the women of the middle, upper middle, or elite class.
If you think about it, how much does education or the media really teach one about women’s rights? In fact, all that it does is reinforce patriarchal values to objectify or subjugate women further.
The women belonging to the middle class or higher, share less or hide more about their actual conditions in the family or society at large to put up an ideal image of the content, respected woman. They are more delusional and conservative about their vanity, which leads them to a higher degree of repression.
Let’s discuss the celebration of Women’s Day in Bangladesh; more specifically, in Dhaka, in this regard. Whether such an occasion is of any worth or not is a different debate that I don’t want to get into as we are not discussing the significance of such a day here, but trying to see how the practice of the existing celebration assumes and pretends to empower women. Now, One cannot but notice how most people celebrate their mothers for being the best mothers on women’s day, failing to distinguish between “Mother’s Day” and “Women’s Day.”
It leaves one with the age-old question – is a woman only to be celebrated for being a mother? Is that what makes her worthy enough to be? What about the women that aren’t mothers yet, or can’t be mothers or choose not to be mothers at all?
Do they not deserve to be applauded on women’s day?
Interestingly, it’s mostly the daughters that are showering their love over their mothers alone on women’s day, as if that’s the only woman deserving appreciation. The men, at least, have their wives/girlfriends/sisters along with their mothers to pay tributes to on this occasion.
Then again, one is bound to notice that these days are targeted towards only the women belonging to the privileged or semi-privileged classes, who themselves would refuse to find any significance for such days; unless they are consumerist enough to enjoy the special offers dedicated to such days or the gifts they receive in the name of celebration and love.
I sometimes wonder if any man or children ever apologised or surrendered to a woman for lifetime on Women’s or Mother’s Day.
Moving on to the issues of violence against women and domestic violence, one may get bored. But no matter how much the posters and campaigns claim it to be the commonest of occurrence, people, in general, have the tendency of looking at it as a distant phenomenon. Furthermore, the women that are victims of different forms of abuse themselves, will deny this reality.
Growing up and living in Dhaka, the delusional ones also feel that the women living in villages or small towns or in the slums of Dhaka get abused. The assumptions and comments generally come from ladies of all age groups, obviously belonging to the same privileged or semi-privileged classes, as the underprivileged ones do not feel the need to deny or perhaps defy abuse.
Let’s bring some real women into perspective now.
“She Number One” was born in a solvent family in Dhaka, grew up enjoying affluence, graduating from the top schools and is now working for one of the richest banks in Bangladesh. Her husband, her official boyfriend since high-school, works for a multinational company and earns some additional handsome amounts from other legal or illegal ventures here and there.
After a series of cheating, mistrusting, fighting and “hitting each other in public” phases of their relationship, they decided to get married.
“She Number One” caught him cheating on her last year, for the “n”-th time in their relationship; but for the first time after marriage.
When she was expressing her rage, she pointed out how when he caught her “almost” cheating on him the year before, he informed and taunted her family about it and broke the clothes hanger beating her up. But she is not doing anything of that sort, because she wants to prove to him that she is not an animal like him.
“She Number Two” has grown up under her doctor father’s wings. Her father was her hero for as long as the hormones didn’t take over and she got “some” exposure to other men.
She herself will not deny the fact that she was always attracted to bad guys. She was a very sharp girl during her school days; but wasted her medical years after a druggie, and ended up with a poorly earned degree.
Last year, while working as a practicing doctor, she decided to marry a flirty, unemployed chap.
She fell in love with him because he “accepted” her knowing all about her dysfunctional relationship with the druggie. Bragging about his goodness, she shares how he has calmed down and stopped hitting her or being too aggressive with her since he saw her suffer after an abortion.
“She Number Three” also felt special when her now husband and then boyfriend “accepted” her knowing about her previous affair with a married man. It was also adorable to see how he glowed in joy, when she bled after their first intercourse. By passing this “agni-pareeksha,” she confirmed her marriageability.
But soon after getting married, this charm started to fade away for both of them. Fights started to get so violent that she started getting scared of being hit. He didn’t hit her until they settled abroad for studies last year and he took her along on spouse visa.
He afterwards convinced her and her friends that “She Number Three” got hysterical during a fight and he read it up that only a tight slap can bring a hysterical person back to his/her senses. The choking on the other hand was just to grab her attention, because she was not listening.
“She Number Three” has reported though that he has stopped hurting her physically and has begun to cut or hurt himself on such occasions now.
All these three girls are in their late twenties and have been educated and brought up better than most girls in Dhaka, let alone Bangladesh. The fact that they are sharing the stories of getting abused by their husbands, shows the extent of their empowerment. They are being able to admit and share it with others only because of the privilege their social status and education have provided them with.
Whether their tones are complaining or not is again debatable. This is the story of emancipation for these girls in Dhaka.
Girls in their early twenties in Dhaka are expected to be studying in Universities, unless they are underprivileged. Privileged or semi-privileged girls from across the country also come to Dhaka for higher studies in different public or private Universities these days. Some may claim that this generation is in a better condition than the married ones. But do they?
“She Number Four” is the daughter of an army personnel, which is enough of a statement about her social status and environment. In the university, she is known for being loud, tom-boyish, and over-enthusiastic. However, for people at home, she is a liar; a spoilt girl gone astray. Even though both these images may look connected, no one can guess why she is putting on this persona and what she is suppressing.
She is being molested by her uncle since childhood and her parents are blaming her for it since the day she started voicing it. They have been hushing her off and calling her names.
Now, that “She Number Four” is old enough, and has dared to tell the molester’s wife about it and he has been confronted, he claims this interaction to be of mutual consent. “She Number Four” needs help, but does not know where to find it as even counselors of the country find her condition to be more interesting than concerning.
The million other stories about female students being harassed by their teachers all over the country do not even require another paragraph to be told.
As the cliché has it, it’s not only physical abuse that keeps the girls’ life and movement in check. One may claim that these “young girls” are financially dependent on others, for which they are keeping up with their situations and not protesting.
So, are the older, financially independent women in a better condition?
“She Number Five”, is the mother of a teenage girl, working in one of the best organisations in the country, earning even more than most well-off men in the country; if I can say so. She wanted a divorce a few months back and started to look for a house to move out to, with her daughter and father.
One can guess that she could not do so, but one cannot really imagine how badly she was insulted by landlords, whose houses she tried to rent. They weren’t even ready to acknowledge her old father as her father, because this forty-something-year-old lady went to fix the deal herself, and not the father.
Some may call it a good thing that she failed in her attempts and is trying to adjust in her marriage, but you can never really tell, can you?
“She Number Six” is also in her early forties and finally got divorced recently. Her boyfriend knew that she could not bear children when they were dating and still went for marriage.
But his family was never welcoming of her and was constantly trying to get her husband married off again to a “fertile” woman. He protested in the early years of marriage, but his distance with his wife grew and he fell for another “fertile” woman.
“She Number Six” was also working for a very respectable organisation, holding a reputable position and earning as much as (if not more than) her husband.
The husband kept sharing the house with her because he could not afford such an apartment on his own, and she stayed in it because it would be suicidal to go back to her mother’s place. She finally got the courage to initiate her divorce as she’s abroad now and if she comes back, her junior friend will share her apartment with “She Number Six.”
This is the extent of emancipation of women in Bangladesh.
However, it can be claimed that many of the female garment workers, who are also financially independent, hold more power than these so-called privileged women.
Is it because of the lack of social expectation and surveillance on them?
Or is it only showing how the “progressive” classes are more “conservative” and the “oppressed” class more “liberated?”
