Filling in the gap
It’s been 3 years. Although I’ve never admitted it, I’ve grown tired of what started primarily as a telephone relationship.
She has complained saying I don’t call her enough, comment on her posts or do sweet things as I used to. However, I figure those are unnecessary noises. I call her on alternate days (or at least intend to) and make plans on the weekends. It’s not my fault that she has to work on Fridays too. Nevertheless, I am sure when we start living together, everything wrong will fall into place.
While I start to believe my relationship has reached a level of certainty and so I engage my time in gaining knowledge, solving equations and doing something productive, she starts to interpret my behaviour as “Our relationship is going nowhere”.
Completely unaware of the amount of attention a female mind needs (or perhaps failing to realise that attention is a “need” and not a “want”), I continue my life as it is, ignoring the “unnecessary noise,” which I have been led to believe by society is nothing but an “unimportant female tantrum.”
She meets an old friend at a social event. He is happy to have this opportunity to rejuvenate an old connection and thus hopes to establish a “friendship” and she is happy to find a variety in a life she is already bored with. They come out of the event with the commitment of being in touch from then on.
She finds him attentive and caring. Therefore, it’s a profitable trade. On one hand, he is getting a flirt mate with other potentials and on the other she is getting attention, care and some excitement. They laugh, share remarks, opinions and most dangerous of all, start being there for each other. She realises how like-minded they are and that she can be “herself” with him. He captures a special place in her heart with a smile and some words of humour and charm.
They continue to talk, keeping me in the dark but not completely so. She mentioned him once or twice having complete faith in my weak memory (of course I didn’t think he was of any importance). Slowly she starts to believe that she has a trustworthy friend. Her belief becomes so concrete that she says yes to an invitation at his farewell party that he has arranged as he will be on a flight to the western civilisation in search of enlightenment within a few weeks.
His friends tactfully get them alone in his room. To her surprise, he makes his move and tries to kiss her. She pushes him away which apparently makes him realise what he has done was regretful. She walks away from the house and their friendship, but this puts a mark on her and when he leaves she starts missing him. She misses this other guy who was in the right place at the wrong time, being the “fill” in the “gap” I have created.
The next few weeks, she spends hours in her room or in the security of her best friend’s arms, crying her heart out. She feels ashamed and low. Not because the man she trusted tried to take advantage of her, but because she started to fall for a man while she was committed to another. In the end, she is only human and her shoes fit us all.
The Substitute
For a whole semester we attended classes together but I found no excuse to talk to her. On the script checking day, she broke the ice enquiring my grade.
“B+” I informed.
“With all that talk in class I expected you to be smarter,” she teased.
And that opened the doors to a whole new realm of possibilities. I was attracted to her. There was this flirty vibe about the way she spoke, smiled and teased me around that excited me. She used to call me “atel” which I believe is supposed to be more embarrassing than a nerd.
Within the first week we were close enough to know each other’s grievances, regrets, frustrations, hopes, dreams, failed love stories and scars from the past. But even after knowing everything from birth to how we got there, there could still be a lot more to discover. After all, this could just be a start to anything.
As time passed, I started to care about her. She would be the first person in mind whenever I needed some company, either to share something or just for the sake of it. I felt comfortable around her. Felt like we had a lot in common, that we viewed the world in similar ways and that we both considered the same issues as important.
As we became more comfortable in expressing our vulnerabilities, I started to like her. I thought about her when she wasn’t around, tried to please her with ways she liked and dedicated my entire Facebook time to her. I even felt like doing crazy things for her like going all the way to her neighborhood and standing in front of her building from where I could see her wave and smile from the balcony. She became the priority customer of my attention.
But by this time I had already discovered our “turn off” differences. It was clear we weren’t compatible. So I didn’t entertain the idea of a relationship. She was special nevertheless. Not as a best friend, not as someone I had a crush on, but still special.
This went on for months, and after a while the excitement started to fade away. The frequency at which we used to communicate became less and slowly we went our separate ways. There was no reason to formally call it off; there was nothing there to begin afresh either (at least there was nothing that could be recognised even as a remote sign under the exsting norms of relationship). However, whenever I see her or talk to her, I recognise a feeling. I had a thing with her which wasn’t exactly a relationship, but perhaps a substitute for it.
The author is currently working for an MNC in the Oil & Gas industry. He spends his leisure time studying psychology, economics, history and religion. He is also a song writer and a poet.
