Comedian and TV host Joan Rivers has died at the age of 81. She had been on life support at Mount Sinai Hospital since having a cardiac arrest in New York last week.
In a statement, her daughter Melissa said she died surrounded by family and friends, and she thanked hospital staff for their "amazing care".
When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, "Will she live?" He said, "Only if you take your foot off her throat."
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, "I don’t believe it."
Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.
The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
Madonna has just lost 30 pounds — she shaved her legs.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born ... He should have been there when it was conceived.
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest — most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish-looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together, kind of like Renée Zellweger pushed up against a glass window
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, "Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."
