As an adult, almost everyone has to face the question – can you find out more about that particular girl or boy? It’s related to a marriage proposal. Within the South Asian context, such a request is of grave importance because, based on the information found and delivered, a significant step like marriage can be either pursued or dropped.
Therefore, if the finding is that the prospective bride is seen being dropped by male friends or colleagues, then the message conveyed is definitely not a hundred percent positive, though a lift from work or the university by a male friend can be a totally harmless matter.
Now, one has to always remember what Oscar Wilde said – there can be enmity, love, jealousy between a man and a woman, but never friendship. Perhaps I may draw some flak with that line, though I am compelled to say Oscar has a valid point there.
Right, so how the message is delivered to the inquirer has a direct impact on marital prospects.
For example, if the person asked to do the sleuthing says that the girl in question is seen moving around with men all the time, then naturally the marriage potentiality gets a jolt. This is why most girls who are to be married follow some strict social movement restrictions.
Okay, what brought on this topic? It was a BBC special report on the rise of the usage of marriage detectives in India who go sleuthing for any dark spots on the reputation of a possible bride or groom. Of course, in many cases, modern men and women do their own selection, taking human shortcomings as normal, and in these cases such probing investigation may not be needed.
The problem is when the marriage is arranged and both sides want to be absolutely certain that the other side is speaking the truth. As for the records, even today, arranged marriage is the choice of most parents, especially in South Asia.
Now, one cannot wonder if speaking the truth will actually work in favour or not.
Take Bangladesh for instance. If a guy is found to be drinking with friends occasionally, would that be spelled out in an attempt to be fully honest? “Ki! Chele modh khae!” (the guy drinks alcohol) would quickly place him as a drunken sod.
In reality, the guy may be just a wine connoisseur, having two to three glasses on special nights.
Then again, the guy can also be a drink-lover.
Considering all angles, marriage detectives are possibly the need of the time because, with the extension of society plus the expansion of the middle class, it’s difficult to do a reliable background check depending on friends and acquaintances.
Also, it is good to remember that a potentially auspicious match can be foiled by envious relatives too.
Hence, while the drinking habit is highlighted, the genteel nature of the guy, his ever-smiling demeanour supported by his solid career status may be deliberately left out.
This reminds me of a real life experience where an informant came and said that a particular man could not be considered at all because as a young man he used to hang out with drug addicts near the infamous Nilkhet slum.
He was dubbed “heroinchi” (meaning a heroin addict) by the informant.
The truth was, for a certain period, the man under scrutiny went awry, but as soon as he got into university, renounced all bad habits.
In Dhaka, several fraudulent marriage match-making agencies were busted in recent times for using a band of young women to lure expatriate grooms with the sole aim of swindling them of money taken ostensibly for wedding costs.
That demure, soft spoken woman turned out to be a hustler who had also shared intimate moments with plenty of other men to make the con job appear trustworthy.
Then there are men who carefully present themselves to be wealthy, settled, and of a respectable background, to rope in a girl from an affluent family.
This is the oldest trick in the book immortalised in the much acclaimed movie called Ghuddi, featuring Asad and Suborna Mustafa.
Another real life incident comes to mind – a friend of mine who used to be involved in second-hand car trade (Jharbatti gaari), had his eyes fixed on a girl who was the eldest daughter of a man owning a large shopping mall in town.
To catch her attention, he devised an elaborate plan of deceit – initially, he met the girl driving a new car for the first few months, giving the impression that he was financially sound.
The dress-up was impeccable, the fragrances used top-notch (they were often loaned from others), and romantic conversations were peppered with lines from Byron under the haunting aura of scented candles.
Obviously, she fell for it. Those of us who warned were dismissed as envy-stricken friends and the marriage went ahead.
Images created by lies, especially for matrimonial purposes, usually make the loudest noise when they fall. This was no exception.
The cars disappeared fast. It was found that his main source of earning was from fixing other people’s vehicles.
Candlelight dinners with lofty promises were supplanted by the pressure to use the girl’s father’s influence to get something concrete for the boy.
Lord Byron’s lines were transplanted by lines from Hindi soap operas. Cupid turned into a gargoyle as the marriage collapsed.
Maybe if detectives had been employed for the final check, the disaster could have been averted or minimised.
Reportedly, in India, to test the strength of character of a man, honey traps are laid using aspiring actors.
Man, do they want a human or an ascetic?
From the western perspective, this does not sound fair. Before being shackled, a guy will always want a final night of wild fun (bachelor’s night out), preferably with a playboy bunny stepping out of a large cake.
Guess what the detective report will be if something similar is replicated in Bangladesh.
To end with a joke: An informer said, the prospective groom is perfect, but only eats too many onions; and he does not eat onions every day, just when he eats chickpeas, which is accompanied by a few pegs of whisky, and he does not drink every day either, just when he brings home a dancer for private viewing … l