Earlier this year, the whole nation was talking about a popular actor’s father-in-law committing suicide while broadcasting it live on Facebook.
Among the other things he said was the fact that his only son was abroad while he lived alone in an apartment in Dhaka. It was evident from his last words that he was depressed and had no one around to comfort him. This incident not only saddened the entire nation but reminded us of the tragic consequence parents might face while their children are away.
As many of us run after the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in the name of a better life, we knowingly or unknowingly leave behind our biggest treasure -- our parents.
Parents are our ultimate safe haven. Our parents are the ones who shelter us from the evils of this world. They give us all the happiness while giving up their own. They are forever busy making us smile without us having the slightest hint about the struggle they go through doing so. Even when the whole world turns their back at us, we have the comfort to know that our parents will always be there.
But in the sunset years of their lives, when they need us the most, our presence isn’t anywhere near their vicinity. We are either living separately, sending them to old-age homes, or permanently settling abroad with our individual nuclear families.
Thousands of us emigrate from Bangladesh every year, for education, higher paid jobs, and overall, a better lifestyle. It is estimated that about 2.4 million Bangladeshis live abroad permanently as citizens of different countries.
Most non-residential Bangladeshis share a common beginning, being raised by their parents and to pursue a dream of studying abroad. The dream turns into reality, their parents become proud. Then these children often stay back after their studies are over. They do not wait for any permissions -- they have matured. They make their own decisions.
The parents on the other hand do not want to come in between their children and their happiness. They hide their pain behind their tears of joy. Society stereotypes them to be lucky ones who won’t have any financial problems as their sons or daughters send them money.
But once the excitement has settled, the realization of not having their children around makes them upset. Apart from the ones who are lucky to be physically fit, many of our parents face the toughest challenges on the days they were supposed to retire and rest. But they prefer leaving their stories untold, fearing to lose the affection of their children.
The other side of the picture
With children being thousands of miles away, even the smallest chores become a huge ordeal. Starting from operating their phones to paying bills, they have to depend on outsiders, such as neighbours, or if they are lucky enough to afford so, a caretaker.
Although “just a phone call away” can be reassuring, the realization of being apart in times of emergencies sets in just as few days pass by. The ones who ensured our safety while growing up now become helpless and insecure about their own.
In the time we are living in, there is danger to everything. Caretakers or house helps are not always trustworthy, but we believe paying them well would make them nicer to our ailing parents. On a recent viral Facebook video, an old woman was seen to be stripped off of her clothes and beaten with her walking stick by her own caretaker. It was taken from a CCTV footage that was installed on the corner of the room. Surprisingly, all of this was done while the old woman’s unsuspecting son was in the other room.
While thinking about the security of children in foreign lands, we fail to realize that the parents need just as much security as them, especially when they are at their old age. If they are unwell or bed-ridden, all that is offered are medications and money -- a token of our “immense care” for them.
The win-win situation
Some of us are lucky enough to leave our parents in a healthy state, with them giving us surprise visits once in a while if they can afford to do so. We welcome them with arms wide open on the first day, but that excitement lasts momentarily. We slip back to our busy schedule soon after.
Some of us are smart enough to make them stay back for four to five months straight, so that we don’t have to do as much housework. And of course, they can take care of our children while we go to work and also the after-work parties.
This is seen as a win-win situation for many -- our parents get to spend more time with their grandchildren and we don’t need to spend hundreds of dollars on babysitters. We really want to keep them forever in our rented 2-bedroom flats but the rising costs keep coming in the way.
Sometimes we are kind enough to process their residency permit but that does not go very far. Thinking about how to cut costs, we send them back, reassuring them that next time, it will be for good. They go back feeling content after getting to enjoy some time with their children.
Harsh reality
But it does not take long for reality to hit hard. Years pass by. Communication keeps getting lesser and lesser. As children get busier with their individual lives, the parents desperately hold on to their fading memories in their lonely days.
What used to be two calls per day in the first few years becomes just two calls a month.
Then one day, a call comes to the children. Someone else lets us know that one of our parents is no more. We shed tears, perform prayers. But of course, we also think about how the travelling would impact our careers. If we are lucky and that fateful day falls on a Christmas holiday, we go for round trips, grieving with other members of our family.
I don’t discourage settling abroad but we must include our parents. If we as children cannot ensure a better life for them, then it’s better we send them to old age homes. That way, they can at least feel accompanied and cared for.
As us children get busy with careers in faraway lands, our parents are left abandoned and lonely, cooped up often in the high-rise flats of the city. Ailing or bed-ridden, many of them simply stare outside the window, waiting for the days to pass till they can see their children again.
Until one day, they can’t, any more.
Aiman R Khan, Barrister at Law, is Associate Advocate at Rahman Law Associates & Company.