Speaking on condition of anonymity, a Bangladeshi HIV positive baby, who has now grown into adulthood, dreams of the day she can show her face and say her name in dignity.
“I am HIV positive. Please accept me,” an 18 year-old teenage girl from Chittagong said to this reporter.
She shared her story and her hopes with the Dhaka Tribune on Saturday morning, two days ahead of World AIDS Day.
Alo – not her real name – passed her Higher Secondary Certificate exam this year from the Arts group and is now waiting to start her tertiary level education.
She was infected with HIV in the womb. Her father, who infected her mother, died from AIDS in 2002 when she was 6.
As far as she can remember, her father died from a severe sickness. No one then knew that he had AIDS.
“We learned that my father was HIV positive when my mother fell severely ill the year after he died. We took my mother to many hospitals. Later we found out that she had AIDS too,” Alo said.
In 2003, Alo lost her mother and she, together with her two elder sisters, were asked to be tested for HIV.
The test revealed that Alo was HIV positive but her two sisters were not. Since then, Alo has been taking anti-retroviral medicines twice a day, everyday.
“I did not know anything about HIV at the time. But I can remember that my bitter life started with that test result.
“Even my two sisters did not keep me with them on the bed. They placed me on the floor while they slept on the bed,” Alo recalled as tears filled her eyes.
“I can still remember that my utensils, clothes and other personal belongings were a different colour so as to be easily recognisable,” she said.
“Everyone told me to stay away because I had a disease that could kill them.
“I cried by myself. I have learnt how to cry alone and how to remain alone,” she said, her voice growing heavy.
Her family told her she had a disease that could kill them, without a care for the fact that the disease could kill her.
After slow exposure to the facts about HIV/AIDS, her sisters and relatives came to understand that it is not a contagious disease in the typical sense. They now understand how it is transmitted.
Alo herself says she now understands that she need not bear any stigma for her HIV positive status.
Alo has hidden her HIV status all of these years. Her sisters, all that survives of her nuclear family, and a handful of relatives know her condition.
To the rest of the world, this part of her is invisible, she says, because of intolerance.
She knows she would not be accepted by society, her school or her peers if they knew the truth.
Her neighbours, relatives, friends and teachers do not know about her HIV status.
I could never tell anyone about my disease because no one would understand me. They would misjudge me. Our society is not friendly towards us, she said.
“I do not become too close to my sister’s child. I never kiss the child although I love the child very much and the child likes me as well,” she said.
When asked why she doesn’t express her affection for the child, Alo replied: “Yes, I know it will not harm the child but I do not want to take a chance. I do not want to be the reason for anyone getting sick.”
“I treat the child as my own,” she said.
Alo shared her one great hope with the Dhaka Tribune and prays to God that her wish comes true.
She wants a job of her own and a worthy husband who is also HIV positive.
“It is very tough to remain unmarried. I want a husband who is also living with HIV. Only he will be able to understand me.”
Alo hopes one day she can reveal her identity, when there will be no social stigma or discrimination.
“I want to come out of my dark and lonely world.”