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Surviving the split

  • Published at 11:58 am November 15th, 2015
Surviving the split

What it feels like

You’ve seen your rom-coms. You’ve read some high-school melodramas. By now you believe, those who do the dumping must be cold ones. Breakups span a bunch of blame games, psychological tug of wars followed by the subtly evil things we do to our exes. The hateful texts, the I-couldn’t-be-doing-better hashtags and breakdowns at 3am; all because one party or both has fallen out of love, right? Not always.

Then there are break-ups which don’t take away your dignity. There’s no angry exchange of words, no resentment brewed, no cheating done. The kind that makes you feel like you’ve always been the one. But heartbreaks are in order, for the greater good.

This is the kind of split carried out with lots of forethought and is harrowingly the last resort. People don’t find out about this on Facebook. Your friends don’t check on you and dish out empathy because it’s not quite the talk of the town. This happens behind closed doors, unfolding quietly. You harbour a massive amount of respect for the way he/she communicates the breakup.

You don’t find yourself selling their stuff on e-bay, slashing their tires, signing them up for spam mail or encroaching on their social circles after the break-up. Pictures aren’t torn to shreds; letters aren’t flushed down toilet. And the gifts still hover around. Your one-time love for this person has eclipsed everything.

This is when the magnitude of your heartbreak is seven hundred million times stronger, because you cannot put your former significant other in the bad books and “just get over it.” What stings the most isn’t even the break-up. Fast forward a couple of days and you’ll know that it’s the aftermath of completely cutting the cords, and losing your-self to the excruciating silence from hisher side. You wake up; check your phone and newer chats topple over hishers. And one-day it’s in the invalid bottom four. The idea of your former lover’s presence in your life now has turned a full 180 degrees.

You’ve never heard the silence quite so loud. So loud, that it’s deafening. You want to battle the silence, but it’s nothing but a hollow space. You get your weapons, guns, bows and arrows. Soon you’ll know this is a wild goose chase. The silence is like a chasm, spanning wider and wider.

Your guns and arrows here are anything that taps out a sound. You turn up your stereo, tune into your radio, plug-in your earphones and scroll through that feel good play list that has nothing to do with romance. Conversations are craved. The dusty guitar is played. Be it TV commentary, pointless babbles from a friend, noise of any kind, you’d do anything that would drown the dreadful silence.

But does it ever go away?

You may run away from it but the sudden moments of quiet are ever recurring, or maybe taken down by a “zone-out” minute in a room full of people. You’ll feel the memories resurface, walking down that side walk. You’ll return home from work drained off of the energy to think, but there’s something still amiss.

No, there’s no quick fix to this. But if you can’t beat the silence then you may as well embrace it. Calm down. Rethink. You’ve still got yourself. Try to find God, because God cannot be found in the jumble of noise you wrap yourself in. God can only be found in soothing and tranquil surroundings.

It’s time to reclaim your heart. It’s time to drown in the silence and listen to your-self. You’d be amazed at what you haven’t heard before. You’re made for beautiful things. Go on, and do them. Know that your former lover isn’t going to be with you through any of this.

Go on a road trip. Be okay with the fact that heshe won’t text you the directions if you’re a little lost.

Date yourself. Take a trip to a fancy restaurant just on your own. Hey, paying the bill doesn’t sound too bad now, does it?

Accomplish that goal. Maybe graduate?

Throw a friend a stellar birthday party. Have them tell you they are glad you met.

Bake a scrumptious cake and finish it yourself.

Have no expectations and ta-da! Have no heartaches.

Get lost in the aura of loving yourself. Oh look, you’ve already gone from a two-some to a one-some.

Gradually, you’d come to terms with the fact that heshe has really left. That page in your life has been turned. You can’t tear the pages off a book because then it’s somewhat less of a book. Popular belief tells you to not wallow over your break-up. But maybe it's better to just not brood over it. Reframe your thoughts on the breakup. Understand why it had to happen. The leftovers of lost love might just make you a stronger person (if you want to be).

Carry the pearls old love gave you, and discard your ex-lover’s un-loved facets. And that’s how you move on. That’s how you grow. If your former lover is still in your thoughts, let himher be. Perhaps he’llshe'll always be there, somewhat unbounded by the little infinity you had.

It’s time for some music. The band is ready. You, the conductor may now wave your baton effortlessly. Empowered?