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A cynic’s delight

  • Published at 06:29 pm November 25th, 2013
A cynic’s delight

Comedian Bill Hicks was famously quoted saying: “Hitler had the right idea! He was just an underachiever!” It doesn’t take an IQ of 220 to figure out what the man was getting at, and you know what? I think I’m starting to warm up to the idea myself. Does that make me a monster? Possibly. Am I being irrational? No. Not at all.

We as a species are well beyond the glowing white light of redemption, and all it takes is a day in the fine city of Dhaka, Bangladesh to realise that.

Let’s put away the omnipresent “political crisis” under the sink for a moment and focus on some of the everyday events that present themselves to us, from that morbidly obese middle-aged woman who lives in your building bickering over loose change with a rickshaw-puller who perhaps shouldn’t be in the profession as made apparent by his age, to that jerkstore at work yelling away at a hapless peon for having the audacity to take away his precious cup of lukewarm beverage before he could scarf it down like a pig near a trough.

It’s sickening, repulsive, and as someone who isn’t really all that fond of people or the absolute farce that is “civilised society” to begin with, I consider it absolutely glorious! If it wasn’t obvious enough already let me state this in a clearer manner, I’m a dyed-in-the-wool misanthrope and I dislike people and humanity at large.

It’s not an easy existence, but if you have a strong enough stomach it can be way more fulfilling than any all-you-can-eat buffet you’ll ever walk into.

Why single out Dhaka? Short answer: because this is where I’ve spent the majority of my adult life. I have no reason to doubt that people can be just as bad, if not more so, in other parts of the globe but until I’ve had more hands-on experience with the rest of the Earth’s populace, I shall dedicate my ire to the fine citizens of Bangladesh’s capital.

In addition to the ones I mentioned a paragraph ago, we also have the following examples of human decency in-progress: the perfectly well dressed white-collar gentleman bent on his knees leaking a warm stream of fluid right out on the pavement in public, the opportunistic “Good Samaritan” pretending to disentangle a congested traffic space only to clear a path for himself before speeding away (and possibly yelling: “Suckers!” in his/her mind), erudite-looking “experts” on politics, economics and other heady subjects hurling thinly-veiled epithets at each other on live television, misogynistic pseudopolitical figureheads, pederasts, conservatives, the list is nigh endless.

The worst part is that it’s not these complete dregs of humanity that make me wish the worst upon humanity … it’s you. Yes, you! Your complacency, your ineptitude, your complete disregard for your own and your fellow man’s wellbeing! How can you stand all this?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely hunky dory with the status quo, the more societal bile you can shovel onto my hypothetical plate the more bitter/better I feel, but shouldn’t you expect better?

I realise that not every little objectionable event you may see, hear or read about is under your powers of manipulation, but don’t tell me you can’t intervene when you see that one ultraconservative uncle of yours filling the head of a naïve young relative.

Unless you raise your voice or a finger (or preferably a fist) against such domestic crimes against humanity, you’re just making my job of hating everything and everyone that much easier.

Despite being a diehard cynic I do like to envision a world where humanity has finally gotten its act together and doesn’t need the likes of me around, but until that day comes I’ll be on my five-storey high balcony with my rocking chair and shotgun, soaking in the delight afforded to me by all the miserable pile of secrets and lies below while I hum along the chorus to Ty Cobb.