The last one year has been a long journey, for me and everyone around me. All of us have been through a lot, many changes have taken place, and we’ve had to grow up (even if it’s just a little).
I’ve pestered all of you with my ranting from time to time, and as I write my last piece for this year, I feel weird, a little sad, and ever so slightly incomplete.
I feel like the Cat without his Hat, I feel like Horton without his Who’s and sometimes I even feel like the Grinch when his heart was three times smaller. I feel like Peter Pan without Captain Hook, Cinderella without her glass shoes, and Beauty without her Beast.
Writing my column for me was painful, churning out brain vomit week after week, sometimes not even every week. The dread of the deadline, the wrath of my editor (actually she was always very understanding, but what am I, without any drama?), and the impending anxiety until I finally hit send.
I wish I could say paper and pen, but it was my computer that took a part of me with each piece and a few clicks would embed my soul into the vastness of the online world forever. My writing and my thoughts were not mine anymore and my years of self-inflicted writer’s block was chipped away with each “Send”.
I often get asked how I do it, and in all honesty, I do not know. Writing for me has always been a tumultuous experience, deep-rooted in emotion and birthed from depression. Or what I thought was depression during my teen years. I realise now that it more of a denial that played in my mind, the inability to accept things for what they were and rise above it. It was easier to build my walls and throw away the key, and hide behind a mask of stereotypical behaviour. It took a lot of work to get over my “wallflower syndrome”, and in ways it was great because I became more outgoing but at the same time it didn’t work, because as usual, people don’t like people who are too themselves and too “out there”.
(Pretty heavy duty stuff, huh?)
The reason I’m talking about this is because, well other than feeling disturbingly honest, I want you all to know that it’s alright - it’s okay to be yourself and at the end of the day, you shouldn’t be anyone else. You are as God made you and made you that way for a reason. Of course you should know where to draw the line and know the difference between right and wrong, but you shouldn’t lose the essence of what makes you, YOU.
I am a serious advocate for this because I’ve experienced this over and over again at different stages and situations of my life, where I’ve forgotten who I am, trying to please others or conform to “norms”. But I’ve seen that I’ve been the happiest and performed my best when I’ve just let go and been myself. All these rules and regulations mandated by people and society are really stifling and end up murdering your soul. When I am not doing what I like to do, and am not myself, I am just an empty shell, a carcass. A Ferrero Rocher without the gooey chocolate centre.
One thing I’ve been reminded of again and again, is that life is really too short. Time is the one commodity that we never have enough of. No matter how much you pray, or spend, or prepare for, certain times, will never return.
So cherish everything now, do everything now. I know it’s easy to “talk the talk”, but you wouldn’t know unless you did it, would you? Even if you don’t always have the time or money to go to a new restaurant or take a new class, do the next best thing - teach or try it yourself. You might just learn something new, and learn something about yourself too.
Before I got married and had my little Jellybean, I used to worry over every little thing. I learnt that some form of crap will come my way no matter how much I try to prevent it. So I embrace it, accept it, and taught myself to deal with it. It’s the only way to maintain your sanity and move ahead in life.
I didn’t know back then, and I still don’t know what life holds for me in the future, and frankly, I’m not too worried about it.
As I prepare for the arrival of Butterbean (Hah! Didn’t see that coming, did you?), I know life won’t even compete with the amount of crap I will receive from the new wee one, so it’s all good!
You’ve all been amazing and I will see you again – until then you all have to wait till The Bong Momma Returns!