‘Meye par kore deoya’ or ‘Baba tomar haatey meye tule dilam’ are phrases widely used in matrimonial rituals in our country. They bear tribute to particular concepts which illustrate the image of our social framework on gender as well as people’s attitude towards women and marriage. Moreover, using such words only for women clearly point out their subordinate position in marital choices. In belated matrimony, men get an abundance of freedom while choosing a bride. However, the opposite is true for women.
Looking into the gender perspective
Two aspects, gender expectations and gender roles have influential contribution in shaping people’s attitude regarding discrimination in matrimony.
In our society, the conventional sets of tasks for women revolve around reproduction and managing household chores. “By prioritizing these issues, people only pressurize women who have passed the usual timeframe of marriage to get married as early as possible. Such circumstances often lead many women to succumb to surrounding pressures and get married,” says Sanzida Akhter, Associate Professor, Department of Women and Gender Studies, University of Dhaka.
“Gender expectations and gender roles of men and women have manifested in accordance with society’s own framework and it has been prevailing for decades,” she adds.
On top of that, in a resource-constrained family an unmarried girl beyond a certain age begins to deem herself as a burden. Sanzida adds, “It impacts the family in two ways – firstly, the family’s expenditure to look after their daughter, and secondly, the increment of dowries with the growing age of the girl. While we have policies on dowry, the practice still exists by fitting itself into different moulds.”
Aysha Begum deems her belated matrimony a curse. The 38 year-old said, “A few years back my parents died. After that my living entirely depends on the pity of my brothers. In the situation regarding marriage, I have nothing to do other than consent to my brothers’ decisions.”
An employee of a renowned matrimony organization, on the term to remain anonymous, said, “Through my nine years of experience, I have seen a number of factors, including social class, education and job status, have power over a girl’s decision-making process. Girls from less education, resource-constrained families and financial dependencies on others are inclined to compromise their choices.”
Nipa Ahmed is an entrepreneur lives in Mouchak area with her father. Her aging father constantly worries about Nipa’s future as she is still unmarried at the age of 42. Recently Nipa once again refused to get married to a man chosen by her relatives. She said, “I know I have crossed the regular age for marriage but that doesn’t mean anyone can force me to agree with any of their unreasonable decisions. I believe when it comes to making decisions about marriage, the opinions of prospective bride and groom should be prioritized.”
On the other hand, the scope of making their own decisions and remaining adamant about their own preferences isn’t as narrow for men. There is a social construct about men that ‘purusher abar boyosh ki.’ In a conversation with a sixty five year-old man who wishes to marry soon, he shares a list of requirements about his would-be wife that includes the terms - age not more than 35, fair, beautiful, educated and so on.
Isolation from society
Samina Jaman (pseudonym) is a professional of NBFI who has been working for the last six years. Her co-workers used to casually joke about eating biryani at her wedding. But over the past couple of years, the jokes have died down and been replaced by genuine (unwanted) concern. She said, “They care about me, so they worry that I'm still single. Just the other day, a female colleague was complaining about dealing with her in-laws and I laughingly said that I wouldn't know because I'm not married. Immediately, another female colleague very seriously patted me on the arm and told me not to worry; that it takes time for some people but eventually I would find a suitable husband,” she said.
Preferring to remain anonymous, she said, "I've come to a point where I just prefer not to attend public or family events where there's a good chance I'll run into people I know. Regardless of whether I encounter someone who'll just take a jab at me, or someone who genuinely cares, the onslaught of questions or suggestions just gets too uncomfortable and awkward to endure. And the worst is when people try to guilt me with comments that state I'm being selfish and putting a lot of unwarranted pressure and embarrassment or 'shame' (yes shame) on my parents, and then proceed to volunteer to do me the biggest favour of my life (AND my parents), that is, finding me a husband. Sometimes, it begins to feel like I actually do have something to be ashamed of by simply being 30 and not married."
The social construct on the concept of late marriage for girls has an aspect of social seclusion for the family of the girl. “Bearing with continuous sympathy, a family with an unmarried girl feels social pressure that often leads to them being isolated from the outer world.” says Sanzida Akhter.
Is change knocking on the door?
In general, the attitude towards marriage in Bangladesh has seen many tangible changes such as the government’s take on abolishing child marriage, a gradual increase in overall marriage-age and so on. Sanzida Akhter thinks these positive changes give us hope that slowly we will reach a level where no discrimination will exist regarding age. However, putting an end to discrimination, prejudices and stigmas from the perspective of late marriage among women highly depends on time.
“The elimination of these stigmas is also associated with wide range of factors like education, jobs, etc. together with gender expectations form a women with regards to marriage. There are no alternatives other than campaigning and educating people to raise awareness to achieve that goal,” she adds.
