The more I think about it, the more it seems that the real virus of 2020 has been how it has exposed every little ugliness in the world and society we have built. Perhaps because we are all sitting at home, or at least have more time on our hands due to the limited options to do much else, we have come face to face with all the prejudice and hatred we seem to hold in our hearts for anything that represents the other, anything that is not us. Even on a personal level, this has led to ugly conversations online, be it about racism, religious triumphalism, or our duty to listen to science and take any action we can to slow the spread of the viral pandemic also overwhelming so much of the world.
It was while speaking to a friend about one such ugly discussion that she said something rather thought-provoking. When lamenting to her how stressful it sometimes gets to be completely unable to get across to another person, who is essentially refusing to see any logic and would rather sling personal insults about me being sheep/infidel/godless, she asked me how often I have been left feeling physically unsafe following an online argument. While many of these conversations do leave me very drained and emotionally wounded, I had to admit that hardly ever have I felt like my life or safety was under threat due to anything I said online to even the harshest opponent.
As has happened many times in the last decade or so, my friend opened my eyes to the life of subtle privilege I share with every other male in this world. She told me about times when, unable to debate her logic, the other person(s) decided to resort to threats of rape and murder, made uncomfortably real by how they mentioned knowing where she works or goes to school etc. It got me thinking. In the most caustic debates online, no one has threatened to physically abuse me. So why does anyone find it not just acceptable, but easy, to resort to this when having the same argument with a female?
Whenever I hear about racism, sexism, or any other form of prejudice towards those are different from us, I am reminded of the Nobel laureate physicist Richard Feynman. Feynman was knowingly mostly for his science and his quirky sense of humor, but growing up in a world ravaged by World War 2 and coming to terms with the holocaust, he had an insightful take on racism. I believe the same argument applies to sexism, or toxic masculinity. It also applies to religious triumphalism, but that is a conversation for another day.
Feynman contended that the biggest appeal of racism, of casually deciding that every member of some other race is inherently inferior to you just by an accident of birth, is that it gives you a straw to hold on to. No matter how little you have achieved, how unhappy you are with yourself, and how insecure you feel about your worth, at least you are not one of them. I propose that we can extend this logic to say that sexism has the exact same appeal. No matter how powerless and inferior life has a man feeling, he can take solace in the completely misguided view that at least he is not a woman. However lacking in joy one’s life is right now, at least they are not a heathen. You can see how it goes.
This is not meant as a defense of racism. If anything, Feynman was saying that if any form of prejudice is appealing to you, that says something about your inferiority, not that of the target of your hate and disdain. You are the one with nothing else to base your self-worth on and are grasping for straws.
To me, it made sense back then, and it makes even more sense now. When I see a typical Trump supporter, confident in his assertion that all immigrants are criminals, I also see someone who now needs to do nothing more to feel about themselves than, well, not be an immigrant. When I see my fellow members of the male sex take solace that someone else is just a woman, I also see someone feeling great relief about being born a man. Something they had zero agency in, and get zero credit for.
Another reason I love this perspective is because to me it offers the antidote to prejudice. Assume for a moment that Feynman is on to something. That people hate and look down upon others because in their own lives they are experiencing a crisis of self-worth and powerlessness. They need to put down other people, or entire subgroups of people, in relation to the subgroup they just happened to be born in, because nothing else about their lives gives them any sense of joy or feeling of accomplishment.
Lately almost everyone who knows me has been accusing me of hopeless, unfounded pessimism. I suppose one can be accused of far worse things. But adopting the perspective above, gives me a sense of hope. If an inherent feeling of inferiority and insecurity drives someone to judge others harshly, maybe the solution is find your own sense of worth. If we teach ourselves to find worth, joy, and meaning in something, if we learn to love ourselves despite all the disappointments and trials of life, maybe we will no longer need to feel superior by tearing down other races, genders, or belief systems. In a world where we love ourselves, we may find that our ability to love others is also amplified.
So what can be do starting today, to maybe hope for a future where one will not be judged on the color of their skin, their sex, or their spiritual beliefs? We have tried a lot to get us to love the other. But maybe, just maybe, we begin with loving ourselves. Despite all the flaws and failures. Maybe we recognize that we, just the way we are, can make the world a better place just by loving first ourselves. Maybe as parents and teachers, we do not put conditions on love and approval. Every human being is worthy. Once we internalize this and act like it, maybe we can begin to heal this fractured world.
Hammad Ali is a PhD student and lover of fountain pens.
