Apparently Brazilian fans did not quite appreciate my ten reasons as to why their team should not lose. They thought I was mocking the Selecao. I consider it my moral duty to annoy everyone equally. Therefore, today I will give my ten reasons why Argentina should win tonight.
1. Beef. While Brazil produces the most beef, Argentine beef is the most famous. An early exit will demoraliae Argentinian cows. When the best go down, the rest follow. We will be chomping on tough sirloin for at least two years, and I have really bad molars.
2. The “Hand of God”. One cannot get enough of watching the Supreme fingers at play. It is a wonderful spiritual experience. The longer Gonzalo Higuain plays the more likely he will realise the futility of his head and feet, and the greater the chance of Diego Maradona’s “magic” returning.
3. Maradona himself. It is wonderful to see a legend having enough sense of humor to start becoming a caricature of himself. Diego’s presence is the closest you can get to guaranteed entertainment. No one wants to see him go.
4. Maradona again. Maybe once Argentina finally wins the cup again, the left footed legend will finally be able to rest. Rumor has it that Maradona is trying to revive his playing career by joining an Argentinian fifth division team. No one wants to see this incarnation of the past champ run, or wear shorts.
5. Ann Coulter. If Argentina loses then millions of poor people and Muslims will be sad, which will make Ann Coulter happy, which is never a good thing. I know I said this about Brazil too, but the process of ensuring Ann Coulter’s misery should be foolproof.
6. Bangladeshi Argentinian fans. Being a proud member of the Bangladeshi chapter of the Liverpool Fan Club, I am no stranger to unreasonable adulation for a sports team. But Argentinian supporters take things to a different level altogether. They remind of the white walkers in A Game of Thrones, appearing once every few years and destroying everything in their wake. No one wants to make these people angry.
7. Bangladeshi Brazilian fans. I always thought that Selecao fans were the more sober and educated of the two. As this tournament progresses, however, they are starting to look and sound more and more like Argentinian supporters. The only thing that can prevent complete degeneration into aggressive insanity is continued Argentine success, which strangely has a palpable calming effect on Selecao supporters.
8. Natural selection. If Brazil and Argentina both make it to the finals, idiots will fight and some may not survive, leaving us with a smarter fitter society. A little bit of expedited evolution is never a bad thing.
9. Messi. The little gem from Rosario is praying for Neymar’s speedy recovery. Any Argentine who prays for a Brazilian during the World Cup is either saintly or an incredibly good actor. Either way such talent should not go unrewarded.
10. Teamwork. Of all things in sports, teamwork is quite possibly the most overrated. Argentina’s success thus far has been the strongest argument against teamwork that I have witnessed in a long time. They have eminently demonstrated that you don’t need eleven players functioning cohesively to win. You need one great player and 10 tourists. If Argentina continues to be successful then maybe we will finally stop hearing annoying things like “there’s no I in team”. They will have conclusively shown us that there is no WE either.