It's 2022. Just to make things more relatable for everyone and all ages, Bangladesh became an independent country 51 years ago and is now, according to the IMF, the 41st largest economy in the world.
Titanic was released 25 years ago, we only have 13 years left before robots take over our world, according to the film I, Robot from 2004. Most 90s kids are already in their 30s and children born in 2000 aren't teenagers anymore.
When we look at all these, it feels like a lot has changed and it's true to some extent, but have we actually come so far as a nation and society when it comes to other things?
This year, the World Economic Forum called Bangladesh the most gender equal country in South Asia. If we think about other countries in the region there is no reason to not believe the ranking.
The progress Bangladesh has made in women's empowerment is tremendous and can be seen in our politics too. Our prime minister is a woman, our opposition leader is a woman, in fact the speaker of the Bangladesh parliament is also a woman.
Even after so much progress in the country and in the lives of women, the most important question in many people's list for a woman is: “When are you getting married?”
No matter where we go, what work we do, not just people who know you, but even those who are probably meeting you once for some work would not shy away from asking you the “M” question.
The current government took a very strong step by including both the father's and mother's names in the National Identification (NID) Card. This is commendable and also logical because just imagine if anyone gets divorced, their NID card will have to be changed and we all know what a hassle that is.
Moreover, the hassle would only be for women because the previous NID card for men never mentioned their spouse name but it did for married women.
Why does a woman's identity have to be reliant on another's? I am not only questioning the fields for a husband or father's name, I am curious about why we have to include spouses and even parents' names.
If I am at an age that makes me eligible to obtain an NID and avail services that are meant for adults, then do I actually need to have someone else's name on it? It is neither a school admission form nor my birth certificate.
I have not been to many countries, none from the developed nations but as far as I know, they do not ask for or mention such details unless it is for a passport or at the time of birth.
Last year, I won a lottery. A new travel agency that claimed to only connect to exotic locations and cater to upper middle class and upper class people encouraged me to fill up a form in front of Shwapno's Dhanmondi 27 outlet. After a few days they called me to announce that I had won the lottery and what my winnings were.
They said “bhaiya ke obosshoi niye ashben,” which basically translates to “bring brother with you.” I asked them which brother they were referring to and they said that they were referring to my husband (I still don't know who he is, maybe this travel agency found him before I could).
The form did not say anything about being exclusively for married women and neither did I tick the married checkbox. But they insisted that I had to take a husband or a brother, a male guardian figure, if I were to claim my lottery prize.
When I insisted that the travel agency either consider my mother acceptable as a travel partner or disqualify me entirely, they relented. The lottery prize claiming form I was asked to fill up had learned from their earlier omission and the options were only for married women.
It came as a surprise to me, but perhaps it shouldn't have.
I have been working as a journalist for almost 13 years now, and I have neither seen laws or regulations that say working women and single women are not allowed to travel by themselves nor did I find age charts for men and women specifying by which age they “MUST” be married.
When banks are issuing loans, they too want to know whether you have a father or elder brother if not a husband, so that they could take the liability of your loan.
What about the women who run their families and their fathers or brothers are dependent on them? I sometimes wonder when a man dependent on his sister or daughter is asked the same question whether they are applying for a loan. Would a professionally successful woman be considered a guarantor if they are unmarried?
It does not stop here.
Recently, I went to see a doctor for swelling and pain near my elbow. The doctor had assumed I was married and asked “you are married, right?” as if to only confirm his assumptions.
Let me remind you, it was a joint pain, not a bruise, merely a swelling and I was not even visiting a gynaecologist. But indeed, the doctor at a renowned hospital's emergency unit considered my marital status to be paramount for providing me with the necessary treatment.
These incidents continue for all women. We women start facing questions like, “when are you getting married?” and “what are you waiting for?” and “when are you having children?” from the age of 22 at least.
Is the life, happiness, well-being, success, and satisfaction of a woman only dependent on marriage?
I am in no way against marriage, but find it unfair and difficult to understand the system which only values a woman based on her marital status.
At first, families teach girls that they can have freedom and enjoy their lives when they get married, then they are reminded of the clock ticking as they hit puberty, and when they are married, everything is supposed to be dependent on their husbands and later, children.
So and so's daughter/sister, so and so's wife and mother. We women have a name too, our desires and wishes, our struggles and wins, our separate identity.
Marriage is a choice and definitely not a parameter on which a human being should be judged upon. After 51 years of an independent Bangladesh that has the 41st largest global economy today, I am not content to take the label of “most gender equal country in South Asia” for the accolade, I wish to see it exist where it matters.
I hope that 2023 can usher in the social changes that we need.
Tilka Binte Mehtab is a journalist and a digital media expert, currently working at an international development agency. Formerly, she was Digital Editor at the Dhaka Tribune.