"They drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them.” This is what JK Rowling described dementors as, mythical beings in her Harry Potter saga, that are the embodiment and metaphor for depression.
I use a different metaphor. I call it a blue mountain on my chest. A mountain that can get bigger at times. On my bad days, the mountain is so heavy that I can barely breathe. It has become such an integral part of my being that I often forget that it is even there, until a loved one points it out.
I have had depression and anxiety since I was 13 or so, and was first clinically diagnosed when I was 15. I was diagnosed with a more serious mental illness at 21: Bipolar disorder. This means that I experience episodes of extremely elevated moods and episodes of severe depression in an asynchronous manner.
To manage the disease, I have to take mood stabilizers on a daily basis. The medication makes sure that I do not succumb to severe depression or fly through the roof during elevated episodes. The medications, however, allow me to experience “moderate” depression and “moderate” elevation. Hence the blue mountain and the peak of the green mountain.
The peak of the green mountain, or my mood elevations, are barely perceptible to me. I feel extremely excited. Story and poem ideas crowd my brain and I write five things at the same time with immense speed, devotion, and strength. It is a sort of a natural high. It is not until one of my parents points out that I am behaving erratically (talking too much, seeming fidgety, or appearing extremely energetic) that I realize that I am on top of my mountain and I need to come down.
I need to come down because the elevation drains my brain, and the higher the high is, the lower is the low. Extreme happiness, for me at least, is always a harbinger of extreme pain. Once the high passes, I am left in the ashes.
And the ashes feel worse than death. I feel unworthy of love. I feel that everybody I care about is leaving me. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I don’t even feel like getting up from my bed in the morning.
This is what happened on the first month I returned home and the last three months abroad. I would sleep all day, 18 hours at a stretch sometimes, and wake up to watch the ball game, and then go back to sleep.
My lucky break, actually, was getting a job at Dhaka Tribune. My work kept me distracted from my pain and I found a new group of people to fraternize with. I also got an outlet to put out my voice and could submerge myself into the things that I love to do.
Once I started writing op-eds and features, I could write stories and poems again.
And with this experience, I have found that creative work is the best antidote to depression because it works like an anti-dementor.
It sucks the darkness out of you and fills you with peace, hope, and happiness.
There have been times when I have contemplated the final escape. I have stood on the side of a road and thought of doing something drastic as the cars rushed by. But luckily, my mom called just at that moment and told me something stupid like how she had cooked Shorshe Ilish for me and how I never return home on time. This made me smile, and my mom became my patronus charm. So if you feel the same way, call someone before you do something. Yes, this world may just be an illusion that only causes you pain, but there are also people that make this illusion beautiful.
When I am in my darkest hours, it often gives me solace in the fact that I am not alone. Millions around the world experience what I experience. Many people I follow and idolize suffer from depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. My favorite comedian, Stephen Fry, is a bipolar patient and so is my favourite country music artist Bebe Rexha. Even one of my favourite politicians of all time, Abraham Lincoln, possibly suffered from bipolar. So, when you feel so alone, keep in mind that you are not really alone. Millions in the world are feeling what you are feeling right now. Millions are stranded, scared, lonely and sad.
But so what? As Dave Chappelle once said, “People are starving in Africa. So what? I still want lunch.” When you are in the foxhole, it doesn’t matter how many there are with you. You just want to get out yourself. But I would like to tell you that it helps to know others who are going through the same thing as you. If you are lonely, find someone else who is lonely, and you can be lonely together. Broken people can heal each other and support each other and remind each other that they are not really broken, they don’t really live in a broken mind, they just have an ailment that needs care and treatment.
And if you are a friend of a person who might have a mental illness (which basically covers everyone you know), you should be on the lookout for signs that scream of an oddity. Troubled people often put up a facade to hide their pain from the world. Often the most depressed one in the group would be the funniest. Robin Williams was dying inside when he made millions laugh. But if you are truly a friend, you must be able to see the blue beneath the white mask. You must be able to notice that they are phasing out into the distance. You must notice their small imperceptible sighs.
And what do you do once you find out that someone you care about might have a mental illness? You talk with them, you support them, and care for them. But most importantly, you encourage them to go and see a professional. Because all mental health issues are not just sadnesses that you can talk someone out of. These problems often call for medications and professional treatments.
I was so lucky to have friends and family who supported me through my journey and took me to a mental health professional. And if you have a friend who is going through something similar, it is your turn to do the same. We are only as lucky as our surroundings.
But do not only get lost in the service of others, also make sure that you yourself are mentally sound. As it is very important for you to take care of your body, it is also very important, as the father of a friend put it, to take care of your mind.
Anupam Debashis Roy is a columnist and sub-editor for Dhaka Tribune.