It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Only the other day, I read somewhere that a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. People get away with saying and writing such absolute nonsense that it makes my skin crawl.
We have grown up with the impression that marriage is an institution; it’s a sacred bond between man and woman; women have their heavenly abodes under the feet of their husbands (in this case, apparently mothers are swept aside in favour of the husbands).
The “institution of marriage” sounds a lot like a place for nut-cases. Are we so nuts that we enter into an institution? Who wants to live in an institution anyway?
This “institution” has many to sing its paeans: Our families, the teachers of religious edicts, the peddlers of thin social awareness booklets sold on rickshaw vans with a bell-shaped horn extolling the duties of man and woman in a marriage (mostly women), and of course, the cheap sentimental trash that sully our silver screens.
“Married” is the legal status a man and a woman share after they have decided to consummate their love for each other following the love affair they have been through with much pleasure and joy.
Marriages are sometimes “arranged,” in which case the pleasure and the joy may or may not come after the wedding.
Love is probably an intense feeling one gets in the presence of another without whom the world looks bleak. Love grows in stages, usually reaching a crescendo when the lovers have almost reached the point of tying the knot.
It may develop with the intensity of a severe hurricane at the first meeting of the would-be lovers, but that’s rare.
The progression of marriage takes a steady course of immense intimacy followed by a friendship for life and punctuated by the coming of children. There are ups and downs -- emotional, financial, familial, physical, and a few that cannot be categorised. The rearing of children can cause friction, but are usually overcome with the friendship that develops between lovers.
The friendship in marriage can only develop if both parties make the effort. No one party can have a shortcut to this end.
If the man develops a superior intellect and the woman does not keep up, there is bound to be trouble; the reverse is also true. The faltering party will end up paying a heavy price with the other looking for fulfillment from another person. And the marriage becomes a sham.
Income disparity between the players may also cause a discord; meddling families play a big role too. The physical aspect is of utmost importance since human beings are animals first and evolved social creatures later. Religious dictates do not play a major part; dissimilar religious inclinations are easily overcome.
If the friendship fails to sprout, a marriage begins to stall, and all goodwill between the lovers grinds to a halt. This friendship helps them at times of crisis caused by extraneous factors, as well as within the relationship; helps one to grow accommodating to the idiosyncrasies of the other; helps a smooth transition from the unsustainable Eros to a beautiful relationship of a matured love.
Intensity be damned -- how many couples can stand each other after 10 or more years of marriage? Not a hell of a lot.
The squabbles continue, and they listen to the “booklet” about “how to keep a marriage going” and fall into a deeper pit.
Falling in love with the same person, over and over again, on a monthly or a yearly basis is well near too much of an expectation. A fool’s expectation is bound to end in tragedy.
If a friendship does not develop and the partners in life want dissolution of the “institution,” so be it.
No moral police in the guise of a well-wisher should try to stop the dissolution. People should live for themselves, and not for the progeny, or to adhere to the arcane demands of the society.