How Close is Close?

What does it mean to be close to someone? What does it actually mean? What impressions does the word “close” suggest? In an ideal world the phrase “being close to someone” implies having an emotional connection with that person, a connection that is nurtured from shared or common experiences or interests or feelings, and mutual respect and empathy (certainly not sympathy). Personally I feel close to anyone who has seen me at my most vulnerable, and has offered me support, and has seen me at my best too, and felt genuinely happy for me. I can feel close towards someone I made a connection with in one dimension or in many. Closeness transcends distance. I have family and friends with whom I feel a connection, despite not having met them for decades. Yet closeness develops with physical proximity. There is a closeness that arises out of studying or working in a group. I feel close to my school chums, college mates, and ex colleagues. Another dimension of closeness arises from living nearby, or being immigrants from the same ethnic group. Closeness transcends engagement. I feel close to those I see regularly, those I meet at intervals, and those I rarely spend time with. No ego at play, no hard and fast rules, no formulas, and no pressure, no compulsion. Closeness comes into conflict when I realise that a close friend has developed serious mental health issues, and is disintegrating. I know her well enough to know that if I broach the topic of her seeking help, she will react viciously and the friendship will be threatened. So I am close enough to remain silent and let her fall to pieces. I learn of another close friend’s child experimenting with drugs, yet I deliberately refrain from passing on the information to him for fear of his retaliating against me if he feels that I am being critical of his beloved offspring. Is that closeness then, if fear is a factor? I have a nasty confrontation with a person, but not only do I hide that from my close friends, I deny that it occurred too. Why? Because I know that some of them will go out of their way to invite or befriend the person I had the confrontation with. A few will blame me for it, and discuss my penchant for quarrels. Yes, my close friends. Someone who always confides her problems to me, but never has the patience to listen to my worries. Should I consider that person close? The old friend who just sits and listens while others are spreading rumours about me, because she does not have the courage to defend me. Yet, she introduces herself as a close associate of mine. And then of course, there is the jealous close, the one who wants undivided attention, and does not want to share me. The stifling close, the one who attempts to takes over my life and give me unsolicited advice on everything. The insecure close, the one who copies everything I do; makes friends with all my friends, and my detractors too. The obligatory close, the one who plays the part of a being close to me simply because she feels it is a duty. The nosey close, the one who has known me for a long period of time and expresses an unhealthy curiosity to know everything I do or say. The forgotten close, the one I was very close to once upon a time, but we drifted. The convenient close, the one who keeps in touch enough to use me for favours, yet does not acknowledge my help or the closeness to anyone. The protective close, which happens with the news of someone’s passing that I do not want my closest relative to know of, because I am certain that she will not be able to process the information or it will be too much for her to bear. So I am close to be with her night and day, but manage to conceal the truth from her. The belittling close, the one who is with me through thick and thin, but demeans me every time there are others around. The unbearable close, the one who does not understand that I need breathing space, or need time alone. The competitive close, the one who hates it if I receive any attention, and immediately has to do or say something to garner greater attention for herself. The caring close, the one who spreads every negative story she can about my daughters, in the pretext of showing concern for them. The triumphant close, where I am closer to my in-laws than others are to theirs. The important close, the closeness one has to a person of considerable power and wealth, and thereby importance by association. Family friend close, where friendships between two families have been fostered over a generation or too, and children and grandchildren of both families automatically feel close to one another. The people I add into my cyber life because I once felt close to them in pre-technology days, but become uncomfortable if they attempt to regain that closeness. Close has new dimensions in the present technologically pervasive world. Pictures and status updates are posted for all friends to view, close or otherwise. Thanks to social networking sites, I know everything about another person without ever having met them. Close takes on dangerous dimensions, where people feel they have been invited into another person’s life via a social network and take it upon themselves to scrutinise the person. People make incorrect assumptions based on posts and pictures, if they are not close enough to understand the relevance or the context. Often people do not understand that they may be on a friend list, but they need to remain at bay. People who wish to become close to another give likes and comments to be noticed or to send the message of availability. Suddenly someone gives a like and I am not sure I intended him or her to see the picture or read my post. And then that twinge of rejection when a person I feel close to does not acknowledge me on a social media site. There exists the yearning to belong to a close- knit family. There also exists the desire to project the image of having lots of close friends, to boost the ego or to counter low self - esteem or to look popular. From what I gather, close is distance, and the absence thereof. Close can be quantified and it cannot. It is superficial and it is deep. It is both loyal and fickle. There is compulsion and there isn’t. There is security and insecurity. Close is inconstant and inconsistent. Close changes dimensions. Close comes and goes, close wavers. Close iswhat it is, where it is, when it is, for whatever it is. So what exactly does close mean?Chintamoni grew up in Dhaka, where she will always belong, but never quite fit in. She is an enthusiastic traveller, a compulsive procrastinator, and a contumelious raconteur.